POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 23

There is a curse that will be broken

Slash & Burn Tactics

Purge me and cure me in the fire

I screamed for mercy

I begged for release

I begged to die

Incredulous

That being burned alive, my intestines shreaking, my skin sizzling

The smell of burnt hair, urine and death

Burned at the stake

Like my ancesters before me

Would lead me to anything more than an ash pile

Reveals me in my truest form

I

Did

Not

Die

Metamorphosis

Into a being of fire, water, air and earth

There is a curse that will be broken

POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 22

Keep Forgiving

“I don’t think I’m there yet.”

Is all I could think of as the crown of daisies circle my arm

A reminder to keep forgiving

Is it ironic that my favourite flower is a weed?

I guess it depends on what you want to do with your lawn

My yard is now filling with wildflowers

Healing from the years of distruction

As they bloom so do I

Signalling what I knew all along;

There is nothing left but forgiveness.

POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 18

Everything Has Changed

It’s in the things that are put away

The shelves that line the walls

The washing machine that spins

The food in the fridge

It’s in the music that plays

The clothes put away after 6 months of sitting in the kitchen

The wedding suit that is folded and put under the stairs

The crop top that cuts me off at the right points

It’s in the reflection in the mirror

The person who stares at me that I recognise as

Beautiful

POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 14

Everyday I dress up in my own words

Pulling Strength from what lies on the floor

Unable to breathe any Hope from a closet

The Comfort in a black oversized t-shirt

Oh god I want to feel again

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POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 13

Cameras & a rear view mirror

You don’t drive a car by looking backwards. if you do you’ll crash.

Cameras and rear view mirrors are only there for glimpses at the past.

You’re not meant to stay there.

I’ve stripped all the photos from my walls.

I’ve pulled the bricks apart in order to reshape it to something I recognise.

To reshape myself into something I recognise.

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POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 12

Over and Over


I sit disassociated and numb

Between a sleeping cocker spaniel and the noise of the street

I’ve been crying all day and every time I feel like I’ve gotten some sort of closure only to be pulled back to April over and over.

They tell me how well I’ve done. That April’s Spec wouldn’t have believed it.

My car that sits in the drive. The job I have from home. Paying for my mortgage. My food prep and my cleaning.

Words and words I never thought I’d say. Simply pushing on day after day.

If this is what moving on is then I don’t want it. How could I stay in a place most haunted?

Every time I feel like I’ve gotten some sort of closure only to be pulled back to April over and over.

I’m lonely for the touch of Clouds fur and that goofy smile.

I’m lonely for your eyes and warmth of your smile and how your touch could hold me in time.

I’ve filled notebooks of witchcraft and spells, of affirmations and hope. All for your safety, your freedom, your heart, your hope.

Every time I feel like I’ve gotten some sort of closure only to be pulled back to April over and over.

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POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 11

“You look awful”

That’s all I could say while my heart collapsed.

New numbers, new addresses, new emails.

All enough of a reason to feel the things that I’ve been told I should. Betrayal, rage.

But it was that photo.

Of you and our youngest

It ripped through me faster and harder than any of the words, or thoughts or feelings that came before.

The pain in your face

Of those couple of hundred of pixels

The years and years and years of studying someone’s face the way I have studied yours.

A doctorate in knowing your eyes and smile

I know when it’s sincere, I know when it’s true.

But your shattering is like glass to me.

And I would suffer a thousand cuts time and time again if it meant I could put you back together.

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POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 10

There is a small difference between pain and peace.

Of peace and pleasure.

Of pleasure and persecution.

It’s in the details, the movement, the pacing.

The way you pause and see.

The way you look at me and know

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6 ways to start loving yourself the way you deserve to be loved

2020 has been a lot. 

It’s been a lot between the pandemic and how to cope with social isolation. And despite the huge upheaval of how we live our lives, it is important to take the time to acknowledge that this is a tremendous time of stress for everyone. 

With that in mind, there have been a lot of articles and blogs about how to make use of this time by either forming some habit. Or even worse, pressuring people to push themselves. That if you’re not using this time to learn 15 languages and become a gourmet baker, you’ve failed to use this time to the fullest. 

I’ve got another take on this entire situation. Which is: It is good enough that you are just alive. 

That’s it. No hot take, no additional statement. It is enough that you are alive and continue to exist during this time. 

I will give you 10 things to consider enriching yourself that should be an additive or something to consider loving yourself during this period. 

Accept where you are

This can be a hard thing to do depending on your personality and outlook on life. For people who are used to making business deals face to face, or whether you’re an extrovert and now working from home or a parent caring full time for your children – it is tremendously difficult and you can’t expect yourself to cope the same way that you used to. 

Things aren’t the same, and it’s ok to acknowledge that. 

I had gotten a job and then lost it because I wasn’t able to keep up the pace that was accepted of me during this time. I and my spouse have had a sudden breaking in our communication, and he’s no longer living in our home. It started just after the pandemic struck. 

People are responding to this in unusual, unpredictable and unprecedented ways to unprecedented levels of stress. 

It’s important to see things for as they are and not what you want them to be. I do not understand why Mark left – they left me with a note on my bedside table and that’s all I’ve heard from him in months. And I have to be ok with the fact that it happened and that what’s going on means he’s in pain. That I’m not meant to walk with him down the road that he is on. 

All I can do is believe that things will get better, that I will find gainful employment and that he will come home to me. In the meantime, all I can do is stop fighting the tide. 

These are important skills to learn to love yourself after this period is over and this will end. Nothing lasts forever and the only things you can be sure of in life is Death and Taxes. This too will pass, but it is possible to love yourself amid it. I promise. 

Accept your feelings

It is a complex time, with a lot of complex feelings and emotions surrounding everything. 

Here is a list of emotions ok to feel: 

  • All of them

I mean it. All of them. All the pain, loneliness, anger, fear.

Maybe you’re going through periods where this has been great for you. You feel motivated and driven so you wouldn’t have experienced if you hadn’t had this time to yourself. But you feel guilty in sharing that because of everything else that is happening. 

Letting your emotions flow is an important and healthy part of emotional and personal growth. 

There is a lot to go through, especially if you suffer from any form of disability. There would be a lot of unresolved feelings about walking away from work because of a disability than when the pandemic happening, work moving towards working at home. There is a lot of pain and anger – particularly in the disability world, and it’s understandable. For people like us who have always been taught that there is so much that we couldn’t do from home or things that required office time that is now standard – really hurts. 

So be kind to the people around you, we all deserve extra consideration and care with how we feel at the minute. 

Connect with People

Connecting with people, regardless of who they are or where they’re at, is exceptionally important like this. This can be tremendously isolating and confusion. Reaching out and being supported by the people who care about you is essential to keeping yourself afloat. 

I know how hard this can be, especially when you feel like the world has abandoned you. I’m minus family, a lot of my friends, and my husband during this period. It is the most socially unsupported I’ve felt during one of the hardest periods of my life. 

If it hadn’t been for the community I found on Twitter and TikTok and a stellar medical team, I know that this journey would be impossible for me to undertake on my own. 

If you feel like no one understands or that no one loves you, let me take the time to tell you I love you. I love you. We may never meet and I may never be an active part of your life, but I am here to tell you you have a purpose. You still have a lot to give to the world and this universe and you will find your way. 

Self Care – and not the cheesy kind!

While self-care can come as face masks and manicures, I want to talk about the more practical side of self-care. Self-care is defined as “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health.” if you are on the preserving side of that self-care side – that is ok. 

Here are some practical self-care methods and practices you can take: 

  • Getting out of bed. I’m serious, it is a colossal achievement.
  • Bonus points if you can move downstairs or to an alternative place. 
  • Bathing
  • Bonus points if you can put on some deodorant or other nice smelling products!
  • Brushing your teeth
  • Bonus points if you can floss or use mouthwash.
  • Eating a piece of fruit
  • Bonus points if you can do that more than once
  • Stepping outside. I mean literally sticking your head out of a window or stepping outside your front door. 
  • Bonus points if you can walk down your road and back. 
  • Cuddle a pet
  • If you don’t have a pet – self soothe, that’s comforting to you hugging a teddy, wrapping yourself in a blanket. 

These are all things you can do to soothe your senses or preserve your health where you are at the moment, doing this – even one of them. These are all forms of self-care and you should be proud of the steps you can take to take care of yourself. 

Creative Activities

No one wants to see my house at the moment, and I mean nobody. I’ve painted my walls many colours, it’s not well blended, I’ve written profanities on the walls. All in the name of creative expression. 

I’m serious. The first thing you see on my wall are the words: 

“ Do not ask me if I’m gay, straight or whatever. I identify as a fucking threat.” – @lightboxgnome (https://www.tiktok.com/@lightboxgnome/video/6802270158644579590

While it might not be possible for you to paint your walls or write profanities on your walls, it is still very important to have an outlet. It’s also important that for this process you create a space devoid of judgement. 

Now, isn’t that a thing that is easier said than done right?! 

I spent a lot of my time trying to create my art and things, but being too crippled by fear allowing myself the space to make mistakes. But I’ve incorporated art into my life in a way where I’m not creating art, but I’m experiencing it. 

I have switched my focus from perfectionism and outcome to one of mindfulness. How will feel about how this paintbrush feels in my hands, how does the paint feel when I touch it, what does the wall feel like? Is it hot or cold? What colour do I want? What will it feel like when I put it on the wall, will it feel different? 

Journaling

Journaling is such a loaded term in the self-care community, isn’t it? It’s sometimes described as a cure-all to what ails you. Well, while I can’t promise that it will be a cure to what you’re going through, what I can say to you is that it can provide perspective. 

There is no wrong way to journal. 

You can use a guided journal that has prompts in it; such as our Pain Journal for pain management or The Happiness Planner that have more guided walkthroughs of what to expect. Paperchase also has a variety of reflecting journals available to go through depending on what you wish to focus on. 

But it could be as easy as grabbing an unused notebook or journal to write in. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it can be an old school notebook or a spiral-bound jotter pad. The most important thing to do is to get down your thoughts about your day in the best and easiest way to do so. That feels right for you.

That is ultimately the most fundamental thing in all of this, is to get to a stage where things fit into place and you can love yourself the way you need to be loved. There is no time limit on it, just keep doing what you can in the most authentic way you know how to. 

POETRY [UNTITLED SERIES] – 9

Slash and Burn Tactics

_____________

I couldn’t tell you when it started

When I decided to destroy my mind.

I couldn’t tell you if I was the one who put the torch to timber or if I was just burning from the inside out.

The hand may have been mine

but the oil was yours

and the fires you bore as your sigil was what finally shot us a blaze.

How does it feel now to burn my love?

Is this what you wanted?

You preformed for years with that glowing orb in your hands and I never thought that it would be used to strike me

but here I am

In a grove that I’ve raised

engulfed in your flames once again

I forget you’ve danced with flame so often

you were never going to get hurt

A symphony of light and sound and movement

You bob and weave so gracefully in my minds eye that all I can do is stare

While the flames grow higher and higher.

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